ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
You Might Also Like
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*