Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
ACED my prostate exam!
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.