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A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
It’s so cool how computers have made life simpler I tell myself and all 36,759 of my unread emails.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters