All set.
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My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]