I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
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BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
WTF
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.