[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
You Might Also Like
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”