Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
You Might Also Like
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I’m being attacked 😭
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
We need more people like this.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.