Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
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my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]