If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
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Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
For those that worship cheese..
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My god she’s good.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.