If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
You Might Also Like
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them