He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
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My astrological sign is KFC gravy
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
🤣🤣🤣
My zodiac sign is pistachio
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏