maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
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That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08