I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
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If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET