Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
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Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.