The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
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friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Seekh Kebab
Not attention