Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
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The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.