Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
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[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.