*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
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Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
(Jupiter –
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
men are simple creatures