asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
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My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.