I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
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ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
How to wake up a Beagle
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*