Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
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If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Either you鈥檙e giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa鈥檚 got to work from home this year
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I鈥檓 here for it- as a 40 year old who鈥檚 never actually outgrown the phase
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia鈥檚 closed.
me: Why aren鈥檛 you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 馃槀 instead of 馃敟 on a sexy dm room pic.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I鈥檓 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I鈥檓 saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Some girl I don鈥檛 even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?