Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
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Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
This one’s “Alex”.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.