My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
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My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U