Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
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You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Sign of the day..
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
jesus christ confetti not now