“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
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[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
taking June’s advice to heart
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”