People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
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My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.