Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
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*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.