“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
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The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict