Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
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*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I am all good here, 😂😉
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.