yeah not falling for this one
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Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
It’s actually Dr. whatever
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I have never related to a cat more
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.