I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
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yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
sleeping beauty
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here