“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
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I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Catercrombie & Fish
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”