He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
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Tremendous stuff
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
How your email finds me
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
TWEET CALL
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“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks