Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
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I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.