Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
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Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what