gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
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Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Rather alarming headline…
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.