Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
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I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds