Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
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Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok