Just passing along this helpful tip I found 馃槒
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I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Wife: I鈥檓 going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 馃檨
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I feel seen.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory鈥es
Me: ok let鈥檚 do this
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 馃槵
All I鈥檓 saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it鈥檚 only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Don鈥檛 you just love arts and crafts?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touch茅
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you鈥檙e a cringe idiot. I mean, it鈥檚 not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
fellas, if your girl:
鈥as got it going on
鈥he’s all you want
鈥ou’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that鈥檚 not the word.
Hoarder. He鈥檚 a hoarder.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…