When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
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The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.