I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
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This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Dead sexy!!
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…