Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
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Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I’m tired tomorrow.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.