2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
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[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
WTF IS THAT!