People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
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when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I bet birds love this building.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.