Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
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Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Rambo Rambow
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
No, I don’t think I will.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”