i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
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im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Lol
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
had to share :’)
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.