Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
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Noah was an idiot.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
i prefer mine room temperature.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me: