One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
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There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories