“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
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*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words