my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
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My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
How about daylight saves us for once
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.